I’m a quoiromantic bisexual. I don’t know where this places me in the aro community tbh. I am in a romantic relationship, I am comfortable with the idea of being in (multiple) romantic relationships and I don’t feel especially left out by romantic culture (racism, heteronormativity, misogyny and fatphobia aside. Also, it’s a bit more complicated than that but I’ll elaborate a bit later on)
I haven’t always been quoiromantic. I remember a time when romantic and platonic affection were almost entirely separate and distinguishing between them was a little like this
Now? I’m kinda in love with all my friends and I’m friends with the person I’m in love with. Familial love aside, romantic and platonic love are pretty similar and exist on a spectrum more like
(excuse the shitty MS paint)
This is really conflicting for me. On the one hand, it means that I am able to love freely and completely, without ‘worrying’ whether or not I’m ‘falling for’ a friend since I fall for all my friends in one way or another.
On the other hand, I get even more panicky about making new friends. I’ve got social anxiety and I’m almost constantly worrying whether I’m unintentionally giving off romantic signals when I’m talking to people I don’t know very well. Also, I feel like I’m ‘letting the side down’ by being the bisexual who does fall in love with everyone. By ‘being the stereotype’ (even though I tend to try my best not to let on that I’m romantically interested in someone) I feel like I’m opening up bisexuals to even more hate/vitriol from monosexuals. I know that this is just internalised biphobia talking, but it’s really hard.
(Don’t have an elegant conjunction here, so I’m just gonna skip to my next topic)
The one way in which I do feel left out by romantic culture (my other oppressed identities aside) is the whole ‘one true love’ thing. I fall in love a lot, all the time. I’m kinda in love with literally all my friends (though I don’t have many). The way in which romantic love is depicted as this special thing that makes you see rose petals and hear angel song and platonic love is mundane/boring in comparison makes precisely zero sense to me. I don’t get that reaction. Who I end up romantically involved with is determined more by the intensity of my feelings/whether they’re romantically interested in me than any qualitative change in feeling. It also means (in my life) that I’m not romantically possessive. Like, at all. I give precisely zero fucks whether or not my partner is interested in someone else, provided he’s honest about it/still cares for me.
So love triangles/romantic feelings ruining friendships/every other romance-is-so-super-special tropes have almost no relevance to my life and the way I experience attraction. Sexual feelings can complicate things for me a little, but that is something else that I tent to keep to myself.
My final couple thoughts are that I think that my quoiromanticism is intimately linked with my bisexuality. I can’t imagine how I could be monoromantic and still have this ambiguity of feeling. The fact that my (sexual) attraction is not limited to a certain gender adds to the wishy-washy greyness of my personal relationships. I don’t think I could be quoiromantic if I wasn’t bi. (This may of course be different for other people bc everyone experiences attraction/love differently)
M. E is a Black British polyamorous bisexual cis woman and final year history student. She's a feminist/womanist, makeup enthusiast, vegan foodie and budding activist.
Second generation British-Nigerian fat agender person. Style enthusiast, decent baker and lazy poet.
Find me on instagram @mazisahedgehog