It began when I was a teen, I didn't want people to know I wasn't straight,
So I used denials, evasions, lies and deflections to throw people off,
But in doing so I was unknowingly placing weights around my neck,
And as the years of denials became decades they began to crush my soul.
They crushed my confidence, 
They crushed my self-worth
They crushed my capacity for love and finally 
They forced me onto my knees then onto the ground.
I couldn't get up, they were so heavy that I felt it would have been better to let them destroy me.
I had been crushed to the point where I felt that if I disappeared from the world no one would care or even notice, some might have been relieved.
I felt I had no value, I felt I had no worth, the world had lost all of its life and colour.

Then just as I was about to give in, I reached out to a friend and told her I was bisexual, she accepted me without judging and suddenly I felt the first weight come off.
Telling others enabled me to remove more of them, 
I could get to up onto my knees, then stand.
I realised I matter, I am loved, I have value and friends who love and care about me.
I can know stand tall and declare proudly that I am Bisexual and commence my journey to becoming the person I've always wanted to be.
The weights are gone.


Philip Nicholls is an Australian bi poet keen to share his personal journey with the world.