Content Warning: relationships abuse mention

The Toast is dead, this is just a tribute.

The LARPer From Beyond The Border Well, beyond the county border. He talked nerdy to me and was online at all hours, unless he was in a field and out of contact for days. Lived the other side of the country. He gently drifted away, likely towards one of his own kind, the LARP girl who he could spend time with in the field, making out covered mud, or whatever LARPers do when they date one another.

The Barely Attractive Middle Aged White Man I know, don’t even start. Asked if I’d lost a fake nail at his after we’d slept together the first time. I didn’t wear fake nails at the time. Never spoke to me again, due to what I assume was a slow painful death from embarrassment. Me too, buddy, me too.

The Ex-Soldier What more do you need when you’re on the rebound from a man with truly stalkerish tendencies than someone much bigger, scarier, and more protective of you than him? Unfortunately, all his emotional maturity wouldn’t fill a teaspoon, and after leaving 4 months before the wedding day, he managed to become truly right-wing - misogynistic and racist, right down to the My Little Pony fandom. Yikes.

The Former Rockstar Matched on Tinder. His album was one of the first I ever bought. A full thirteen years on from him first stirring my pubescent loins, and still kind of hot. My inner preteen screamed loudly the entire time.

The Overemotional, Manipulative Longdistancer Oh, sweet boy, your crocodile tears taste delightful. Oh, sweet boy, the way you think relationships work is frightful. Coercing people into doing things you say you want then backing out at the last minute is awful behaviour, and blaming it on mental illness doesn’t excuse it. Thousands of miles and a thousand dollars later, and you “couldn’t do this any more”. Me neither, kiddo.

The Future Bestfriend Sometimes things just don’t work out and someone becomes so firmly entrenched in your world that you couldn’t imagine one without them. Would still probably marry them, but in a chill way.

The Nutritionist Well-meaning but attempted to fix my life and disabilities through the power of the diet. A little too enthusiastic about avocados. I might be vegan, but I’m really not keen on avocados outside of guacamole. This is blasphemous, or so I’m told.

The Male Feminist Knows as much about queer theory and intersectional feminism as I do, and doesn’t bother trying to explain it every five seconds. Laughs while rejecting masculinity. A gift, too precious for this world, but even I need to talk about something other than politics sometimes.

The Manic Pixie Dream Femme Oh gosh, where do I begin? The MPDG trope isn’t real, but she fit it so perfectly. Quirky, nerdy, quick to laugh, but ultimately flighty. Fixed my entire life whenever in the room, and took the sunshine when she left.

The Roller Derby Dude Does he even do anything else? Who knows? All that matters is Derby. Derby and puns. I do love puns.

The Emotionally (and literally) Unavailable Vegan So kind, so compassionate, until asked to behave like an adult who claimed to care about another human being and actually show up to a date. Things ended with a ‘do you want to just be friends?’ when remaining friends was beyond unlikely, due to aforementioned never showing up.

The Roadie Chronically unreliable but hot enough to make up for it. Can talk about punk music for days, but a bit of a hippie at heart. Endlessly fascinating, also very flattering. Discussed beauty routines more than any other cisgender man I’ve known. Always well dressed. Fantastic in bed. Lived in the US and was only here for a year, but bitter-sweet fun was had and feelings were not caught.

The Interviewer Seemed to think I was trying for a job, rather than being a potential partner. I yikes’d away the moment he said I’d made it to the second round of applications and gave me a time-frame to respond within.

The Artist With The Nice Dog Would I flirt with a man because he’s talented and has a lovely dog? Yes. Yes I would. I have no shame, especially when dogs are part of the equation.


Jacqueline Hyde is a disabled Romani activist, writer, and model. They live in Norwich, England with four cats and a long-suffering netflix subscription. You can find them on facebook, twitter and instagram. Please consider supporting them directly, on Patreon.