Content Warning: biphobia homophobia internalised homophobia

The current topic is how we knew we were bi (link to the prompt post can be seen here). Starting you off is Your Editor's entry:

I was eleven when I saw two girls kissing on tv and realised I wanted to be doing that too. My immediate thought was a deeply irritated, oh, of course I’m gay. Of course. Which I think nicely sums up both what I thought that would mean for me at the time and exactly how much of a sarcastic forty year old trapped in a child’s body my pre-teen self managed to be. I was convinced that if you were gay you couldn’t have relationships openly because it was too dangerous, never mind get married or have children (which I wanted very much at the time though now I can’t picture anything worse) and spent a lot of time trying to convince myself to be attracted to men instead.

It turns out I’m not attracted to very many people at all. When I was around fifteen I discovered I could be attracted to boys. I was incredibly relieved because this made room for my life plan of marriage and children but I was also upset and embarrassed because as he was the only person I was attracted to at the time I assumed that I wasn’t actually attracted to girls after all. A lot of people had told me that it was a phase and I thought this meant they were right.

This kept happening. I would usually only be attracted to one or two people at a time and I kept fluctuating between thinking I was a lesbian, straight or bisexual for years. I actually thought my sexuality kept changing and was really confused and worried by this; because what if it changed when I was in a relationship with someone I loved? I kept calling myself bisexual during this period because of the space it gave me to experience whatever attraction I experienced, and because I knew that even if I was only experiencing attraction to one gender at that moment I had been attracted to others in the past and probably would be again.

Eventually I found the term demisexual and while I don’t find it useful as an identity label, as a descriptor for a pattern of attraction it helped me to make sense of myself and my sexuality. I didn’t actually twig that it applied to me at first, mostly because of that moment in front of the tv when I was eleven, but then one day I realised that everyone I had been attracted to was someone I’d befriended first, and that while I found various celebrities beautiful I had never actually been attracted to one. It had been the idea of kissing a girl that I’d liked, not either of the girls on the screen. Knowing this about myself has been especially useful when it comes to my dating life as I kept assuming that there had to be a spark of attraction on a first date or there never would be, largely because people kept telling me that this was how it worked. It was only when I realised this about myself that I figured out how to navigate my romantic life successfully.

I really like being bisexual because I like the freedom of being able to fall in love with anyone of any gender, though I have a romantic preference for women and femme spectrum non binary people. That might sound strange considering what I’ve written about my restricted and conditional attraction to people, but I don’t actually find that limiting either. People like to talk about how labels don’t matter but I find knowing myself and having a firm grasp on my sexual identity has made me much more comfortable with myself. Plus the bi community is awesome, so that’s a definite plus.

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